


Oceans

by ventusphoenix



Category: Uta no Prince-sama
Genre: Finally letting out my Fiction feels, Gen, Implied/Referenced Suicide, References to Aine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-24
Updated: 2019-07-24
Packaged: 2020-07-17 22:21:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,794
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19964146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ventusphoenix/pseuds/ventusphoenix
Summary: It starts with a wish to see the ocean. He dreams of the sea, tugging at him with each push and pull of the waves.He doesn't know why it has this effect on him. But his heart aches for answers, and he knows he'll find them beneath the waters.





	Oceans

**Author's Note:**

  * For [skysedge](https://archiveofourown.org/users/skysedge/gifts).



> Written for the [Utapri Secret Summer](https://twitter.com/utaprichristmas) event.
> 
> My curiosity finally got the better of me and I started playing Ai's All Star route.  
> I regret everything because now my feels are all over the place and I'm not even on his last chapter yet.

It starts with a wish – child-like and innocent – spoken with genuine curiosity.

Except the wish is more like a curse, threatening to tear them apart.

"I want to see the ocean."

* * *

Ai's sudden request takes everyone in the group by surprise. Ranmaru stares at him blankly before scrutinising him with a confused look. Camus doesn't say anything, but he lowers his teacup and turns his attention to Ai. Reiji's breath catches, and he has to throw out a hand to steady himself on the kitchen counter. A chill runs down his spine, causing his whole body to tremble.

"Why th' hell you wanna go there?" Ranmaru growls.

"I have never been before," Ai says, blinking. "I hear it is lovely, so I wish to gather some data on it."

"It's the middle of winter," Camus remarks, taking up his teacup again.

"It's not like I'm going in the water," Ai frowns, crossing his arms.

"What's the point then if you aren't goin' swimming?" Ranmaru fires back, and Reiji's suddenly aware of how frantically his heart is beating. It burns painfully in his chest, making his whole body hot. He's glad he's the only one in the kitchen then, as he doesn't want the others to see just how badly he's shaking.

"I just want to see the ocean," Ai replies, repeating his initial request. "It's fine, I can go on my own."

As soon as Ai says that, it's like something in Reiji _snaps_. He walks to where Ai is standing, whose hand is on the door knob as he prepares to head out. The door is barely open when Reiji slams it shut again, the loud noise startling everyone. Reiji's face is shadowed as he focuses his gaze on the floor, refusing to meet eyes with anyone. The hand on the door curls into a fist, as he takes steady breaths in an attempt to calm all the thoughts racing through his mind.

"Reiji…?" Ai says softly, a hint of confusion in his voice.

Hearing his name, Reiji takes another deep breath, letting his hand relax as it drops from the door. He straightens up, plastering a wide grin on his face as he addresses Ai.

"It's getting late, maybe we should save it for another time!" he laughs, placing his hands on Ai's shoulders and guiding him away from the door.

"Reiji," Ai begins, slightly annoyed. "I can walk on my own, you know."

"Hey, here's an idea: the four of us could go together!" he continues, ignoring Ai's comment.

"Like hell I would," Ranmaru growls, leaving to the privacy of his own room.

Camus scoffs, ignoring Reiji's suggestion as he continues sipping on his tea, leaving Reiji to whine about the cold reception from his bandmates. He tightens his grip on Ai's shoulders, forcing him to sit on the couch in front of his laptop, Reiji taking a seat beside him.

"Maybe another time, Ai-Ai," Reiji tells him, ruffling his hair. Ai shoves him away, but doesn't say anything more as he pulls his laptop into his lap.

Reiji smiles, watching Ai work when an uneasy feeling settles in the pit of his stomach. He purses his lips, scooting closer to Ai. It eases the dread, knowing that he's close and safe.

In that moment, Reiji takes it upon himself to stop Ai from going to the ocean. Even if it was what he wanted, Reiji knew he couldn't let him go.

* * *

In the days after expressing his desire to see the ocean, Ai notices Reiji spending more time with him than usual. A 30 percent increase from before, if he is to be precise. He didn't even think it was possible for Reiji to become more clingy than he already was, but then again humans were always full of surprises.

He sits in the passenger seat of Reiji's car, chin propped up in his hand as he leans against the door. He stares out the window, taking in the sights and sounds of the city passing them by. It's quiet, and Ai finally thinks that he has some room to think by himself. But then Reiji starts up the conversation again, as he had been doing whenever it reached a lull. Ai knew it was within Reiji's personality to be talkative, but even he has to admit his determination to keep the silence at bay is a little unusual.

They were on their way to the aquarium, Reiji having offered to take him there instead of visiting the ocean. In Ai's opinion they're not the same thing, but nonetheless he goes along with him. The aquarium is conveniently located near the ocean, and sure enough as they leave the outer edge of the city, high-rise buildings and bustling roads give way to sandy beaches and clear blue skies. Ai rolls down the window, letting the sun warm his skin and smelling the salt from the ocean in the air. He can make out the vast seas just past the shoreline, can hear and see how the waves crash against each other, spraying up white bubbles of foam.

Ai could get lost in those waves, mesmerised by their strength and not knowing what lay beneath the surface. He imagines walking on the beach, slippery at first with how the smooth sand underfoot gives way with each step he takes. He imagines getting closer to the water, near enough to feel the tide beginning to lap at his feet and ankles. The sound of the waves becomes louder the further he ventures into the centre of the ocean, where the water runs deep blue and there's no sand for him to stand on. If he were to sink beneath the waves right now, maybe he could finally see what mysteries it held in store for him, find out what secrets lay underneath waiting for him to discover.

Reiji's sudden grip on his arm startles him, bringing him back to the present. Ai blinks slowly, regaining his bearings as he stares at Reiji. He's holding onto his arm tightly, looking at him with genuine concern. Any other time, Ai would have scolded him for not keeping his eyes on the road. But the pure anxiety etched on his face makes Ai swallow his words as Reiji speaks up.

"You look like you spaced out there for a moment, Ai-Ai," he says with a forced chuckle. "What were you thinking about?"

Ai blinks again, looking down at where Reiji's fingers are curled around his arm. They press into his skin, tense as if Reiji refuses to let go. Ai briefly wonders if this is what it would feel like to have Reiji pulling his limp body from the water, iron grip refusing to lose hold of him. But as quickly as the thought came, it goes again, lost like waves in the open sea.

"It was nothing."

* * *

It's been years since Reiji last visited the aquarium, and he can't hold back his enthusiasm. He looks at each exhibit with starstruck wonder, as if he's seeing them with new eyes. Marine creatures weave elegantly through the water, all different species in a kaleidoscope of colours. Reiji looks over at Ai with a grin, but he seems more interested in the information panels around the tank, detailing the animals that lived inside and their scientific names. Frowning, Reiji pulls Ai along with a finger pointed in the air, ignoring the complaints he gets in return.

As they go deeper into the aquarium, they find themselves in the deep sea exhibit. The tanks are dark, not a single ray of sunlight streaming in from above. The only light is the faint glow of the backlights from inside the tanks, dull enough that people can see the animals that live inside.

Reiji pauses in his tracks, a faint chill running through his spine. Being the deep sea exhibit, the aquarium had set it up to make it feel as if one were actually exploring the deep sea. Not only did they accomplish it through the lack of natural light, but even the temperature was lower than normal. Reiji swallows, a dull ring in his ears. It's cold, he thinks, rubbing a hand up and down his arm. He can feel the goosebumps there rough against his skin.

Someone calls his name, and when he looks up he sees Ai standing next to a tank of jellyfish, floating and swaying as they bob about. The eerie glow from the tank illuminates half of Ai's face, the half in which he leaves his hair loose with the longer strands hanging over his shoulder. Reiji's stomach curls at the sight, as if he's seeing a ghost from his past. He knows that face, that look, and even though it had been Ai who called out to him, for a moment he lapses and hears someone else's voice.

His mind supplies him with a memory, one of a broken message being replayed through a tiny phone speaker. He remembers making a phone call, only for it to go to voicemail. He tries again later, leaving a message when the recipient doesn't pick up. One message becomes two, then three. A fourth message, and by the fifth his stomach is in knots because he knows something isn't right. It isn't until later that night that he learns of what happened, everything he had known crumbling to pieces before him.

In the present, Reiji stumbles and has to steady himself against one of the tanks, grasping it for balance. He feels sick, his stomach churning and legs weak underneath him. Ai is by his side in a moment, one hand on his arm and the other on his back. Reiji looks up blearily into a pair of cyan eyes, bright and worried.

"Reiji, are you okay?" he murmurs, rubbing his hand down his back.

He nods weakly, squeezing his eyes shut and taking deep breaths until the uneasiness passes. Ai moves his palm in wide circles on Reiji's back, and focusing on it helps to ease his discomfort. When he's feeling well enough to move, he lifts his head to look at Ai, mustering a small smile.

"Can we go now?" he asks.

Ai nods, extending his hand which Reiji accepts with thanks. He holds onto his hand tightly, taking comfort in having Ai's presence to ground himself with. For the rest of the trip through the aquarium, Reiji sticks close to Ai's side, afraid that if he were to take his eyes off him for a moment, he would disappear and become but another distant face of his past.

* * *

That night, Ai dreams.

He dreams of the sea and the waves, and the ocean breeze blowing into his hair and face. He can smell the sea, breathing in deep to inhale the ocean air. He closes his eyes, enjoying for the last time the warmth of the sun on his skin. It all feels so real, it's hard to believe that he's dreaming. An inkling of doubt creeps into his mind, but before he can act further on it his feet are walking towards the water. The pull of the ocean tugs at his heart, something calling to him in the depths of the sea. He can't explain it, but he wants desperately to know what lies beneath.

The tide tickles his skin, water lapping at his ankles as he stands on the beach. Ai looks out to the sea again where waves crash in the distance, peaks of white rising to heights higher than he can imagine before falling and returning to the sea. He dares to wade further into the water until it reaches his waist. He knows the water should be cold, and the chill should be affecting him more than it is. But somehow it's the opposite, and being in the water feels almost natural, almost comforting. It's as if it had been waiting for him, and he in turn had been waiting for the ocean as well.

He thinks he hears someone say his name, turning one ear towards the shore. But all Ai can hear is the sound of the waves and the water ebbing around him. He ventures further until the water reaches chest height, the sand giving way beneath his feet until he's purely treading water. But he isn't afraid, not even as the water laps at his neck and curls around his ears.

He murmurs a name before closing his eyes and falling forward. He sinks beneath the waves, embracing the deep. Underwater it's deathly quiet, save for murmurs of a conversation that seems familiar and new at the same time. But as he sinks deeper, the voices fade into background noise and give way to silence. The cold bites at his skin, but he has no intention of resurfacing.

Turning, he opens his eyes and can make out a blurry patch of sunlight above. He reaches out with his hand, but he's so deep his palm instantly blocks out the light. He lets his hand drop, giving in to the embrace of the sea. He opens his mouth and instantly water rushes down his throat, burning as it fills his lungs. The cold constricts him, making it hard to struggle but he doesn't want to, not anymore. It also numbs the pain, makes him feel weightless as he continues to sink. Bubbles of air float past his face, up to the surface as he mouths words – the murmurs he had heard earlier, broken pieces from the end of a distant conversation.

_Reiji, I'm sorry._

* * *

"Ai-Ai, I'm home~!" Reiji sings as he waltzes in through the front door. Work had kept him away almost the entire day, so he hadn't seen or spoken to Ai, let alone the other members of QUARTET NIGHT in that time.

"You're so noisy," a deep voice growls from the couch.

Reiji comes and leans over the couch, coming face to face with Ranmaru. He's sprawled out comfortably, most likely having been woken up from an afternoon nap when Reiji walked in, as evidenced by the irritated look he's shooting him.

"Oh Ran-Ran, you're here," Reiji says, pressing on. "Where's Ai-Ai?"

"He went out."

"Huh? Where to?" Reiji asks, confused. It was getting late, and as far as he knew Ai didn't have any further jobs that day.

"How the hell should I know?" Ranmaru snaps back. "'Sides, that guy's been acting weird lately don't y'think?"

"What kinda weird?"

"You haven't noticed?" he replies gruffly, sitting up. "He's been starin' out the window a lot. I mean we know the guy has a tendency t'stare, but even Camus had to admit it's startin' to get a little weird."

Reiji frowns, putting his bag down next to the couch. He didn't expect Ranmaru to be the observative type, and it fills him with a tinge of guilt; he had been spending most of his time with Ai lately, but not once had he ever thought of his behaviour as being out of the ordinary. Reiji thinks back to that day in his car, when Ai had spaced out on his way to the aquarium. He had been staring out the window then as well, silently looking at the ocean as they drove along the shoreline.

_The ocean_ , Reiji thinks, anxiety beginning to settle in the pit of his stomach.

"Come t'think of it, he had been starin' at something before he left as well," Ranmaru remarks at the same time that Reiji lifts his head to the far end of the room.

Glass windows make up the wall at the farthest end of the room, overlooking the city. With the sun beginning to set, beams of sunlight cast the buildings in an orange glow and making them shine like gold. Beyond the city lies the sea, the beach visible in the far distance. The sun reflects off the water, small movement of the waves resembling glitter on the surface.

Fearing the worst, Reiji grabs his car keys from his bag and bolts out the front door. Ranmaru shouts something as he leaves but Reiji doesn't get to reply, already running into the elevator once it arrives. He knows where Ai is, and the knowledge fills him with dread. After exiting the elevator, he jumps into his car and starts up the engine. It roars to life, Reiji slamming down the gas pedal and tearing out of the garage. He grips the steering wheel tightly, fingers clenching and unclenching as he weaves through multiple cars on the street. Taking deep breaths, he bites his lip and begins to pray.

* * *

Ai breathes in deep and inhales the crisp sea breeze, able to smell the seafoam in the air. He's finally made it to the ocean, and the sight is beautiful. The setting sun casts golden highlights on the water's surface, like glittering shards of glass hovering on the waves. The beach is empty save for Ai, allowing him to admire the ocean in peace. His shoes have been kicked off to the side somewhere, sand curling between his toes as he stands just shy of the water's edge.

Something about being on the beach made him feel right at home. Whether it was the familiar sensation of the sand underfoot, or being able to inhale the ocean air with each deep breath, Ai doesn't know. But there's an air of familiarity about the place, the sea tugging at him with each push and pull of the waves. Ai looks down at his feet, sees falling droplets wetting dark circles on the sand. When he touches a finger to his cheek, it comes back wet with tears.

He doesn't know why he's crying, or why the ocean has this effect on him. His heart aches for answers, and he knows he'll find them beneath the waves.

Steeling himself, he begins to walk towards the water's edge. The sea roars, grand waves crashing against each other in a spectacle of bubbles and sea spray. The water reaches his knees and then his thighs as the ocean continues to call to him, a siren's song of longing and regret. If it were deep enough, it wouldn't take much to slip under and never resurface. It would be quick and easy, painless compared to the dull ache in his heart.

He greets the sky with a smile, fully prepared to surrender himself to the waves when a voice fights its way through the fog of his mind. He recognises the familiar nickname immediately and the sheer desperation in the owner's voice. He hesitates, and that brief moment of hesitation is all it takes for him to be grabbed by the wrist and pulled out of the water.

Reiji leads them back to the beach, collapsing onto the sand whilst holding Ai close. Ai can hear his desperate sobs, the repeated murmurs of his name in between short gasps of breath. He finds himself caught in Reiji's hold, the latter's iron grip refusing to let go of him. So Ai waits for his sobs to pass, lifts his head to press his ear against Reiji's chest. Like the ebb and flow of the waters, the steady rhythm of Reiji's heartbeat grounds him and gives him a single point to focus on. He closes his eyes to the sound, tries to concentrate on that and not the rolling of the waves around them.

"Ai-Ai," Reiji says after a beat once he has calmed down. For a moment, he thinks he hears a different name, but Reiji repeats his nickname a second time with more confidence.

"Ai-Ai."

"Reiji," he replies, lifting his head to look at him. Sand is stuck to his hair and face, his clothes still wet after pulling him from the water. If Ai could see himself, he thinks he probably wouldn't look all that different.

"What were you thinking?" he says, voice verging on breaking down again.

Ai blinks, trying to sift through his memory banks for an answer. But he comes up empty, unable to explain his sudden urge to visit the ocean. It felt like he had blanked out, one moment standing on the beach and the next lying with Reiji on the sand. He starts to wonder if some processing error had triggered the memory lapse, avoiding eye contact with Reiji.

"I'm sorry," he murmurs when he can't find anything else to say.

"I was so scared," Reiji chokes, tightening his hold on Ai again. "You had me so worried."

Ai swallows, still struggling to understand the events that led up to now. All the emotions running in his mind blur together, his heart making his chest hurt. 

"I'm sorry," he repeats again, this time his own voice cracking under the weight of everything that has happened.

Reiji doesn't say anything, doesn't brush off Ai's apology as he normally would and grin as if he had nothing to be sorry for. His hand moves from holding Ai in place to moving in slow circles on his back, keeping the pressure even. It's strangely comforting, Ai choosing to focus on that movement to distract him from the many thoughts in his head.

"Please, don't go somewhere I won't be able to follow," Reiji begs in a whispered voice, pleading with him.

Ai shuffles so that his ear is pressed to his chest once again. He likes the way that it rises and falls with each measured breath, the soft beats of Reiji's heart filling the empty spaces in between. He lifts his head to look directly at Reiji, his normally bright eyes seemingly darker and more tired, although he attributes that partially to the breakdown he had earlier. But even his smile doesn't seem like his usual one, Ai's heart clenching when he sees it.

He's scared of what lies ahead of them now, whether anything would be the same after today. His own thoughts betray him, and the anxiety eats at him more than he is able to admit. But Ai holds on to the hope that together, he and Reiji will be able to overcome those uncertainties and move towards the future.

"I'm not going anywhere," he finally says after a long pause.

Reiji manages a small smile, and it's still missing his usual charm but Ai recognises it as a start. He wriggles free of Reiji's hold and rolls over, letting his back hit the sand. The sun has long since set, the sky now the colour of night.

The sea churns and the waves roll on, but in Ai's head it's quiet as he lies next to Reiji. They stay like that for a moment longer, content to lay in silence watching the first stars of the night sky.

**Author's Note:**

> Catch me crying on Twitter [@amagiyas](https://twitter.com/amagiyas) and talk angst to me because we all know I love to suffer—


End file.
